Back in September last year, 2007, I was totally out of life, depressed about being depressed, and feeling like life just killed me over and over again with negatives. I couldn't see that there would ever be any life after I received yet another "disqualified" from the Social Security Disability Board. This was like the 6th or 7th time I have filed. Mind you it was definitely the 3rd time filed within a five year period. In that five years, I had a neck decompression, a fusion on my L4-L5 vertabrae, and then when that fusion failed, I had a second fusion, this time encompassing taking bone marrow from my hip. I have a great many scars on the back of my body, looking like a zipper from the crack of my behind to the edge of my hairline above my neck. Oh believe me, I had my hair shaved for the neck decompression.
After years of living in so much pain, I wished for death daily, I would never have dreamed that Social Security Disability would deny my claim. I have met people in the hospital who were getting disability insurance for a lot less injuries than the one's that I was living with. But they did. Now I know that they have discriminated against me. But who can I take this to? Who's going to go up against the government on the basis of discrimination for disability insurance because my skin is black. Oh, I had lawyers, because each time, I went before a judge, with a lawyer, I was denied. I JUST KNEW THAT MY WHOLE LIFE WAS DENIED.
I am happy to say that today, I don't earn a lot of money, and sometimes, it's not even enough, but getting out of the house and working part time, not only makes me a little money, but it gives me something that I haven't felt in a long time. Responsibility. A feeling of being needed. The knowledge that after it all, I can still answer the phone for a company.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to work full time again, without having to manage my pain, but positive affirmations work. Each morning I arise, I repeat my positive affirmation about healing, and step out into the world in faith. And you know something... after all is said and done, my life is improving. I am a better person because of what I have been through.
And now, my kids are having kids. This year alone, I've been blessed with two new grandchildren. And it looks like I am going to get yet another one in the new year coming. If they don't keep me young and vibrant, I don't know how... maybe it's smelling their essence. Because I cannot get enough of it. Maybe it's their slobber, because teething is happening, and drool happens. Maybe more than anything else, it's hope in their little lives. Hope that this earth will continue to revolve, so that I can see them grow up.
This transformation of my life after another final denial from the Social Security Disability Board is finally a good one. Life is good. And with each day, as I continue to heal within Life's just getting better. From one who's seen some darkness, I am happy to say that life is getting better everyday. Enjoy your day, and take care.
